I listen to Ezra Klein but everything I need to know I learned from my parents
born to community, educated in rugged individualism, and returning to a concern for our collective well-being.
this may be the first time I write about this subject here but it won’t be the last. in fact I was nervous to cover it at all as it’s one of my most vulnerable topics. am I showing my cards too early? no such thing, perhaps, when we know the house always wins.
this is a subject whose story began in 1994, the fateful year my parents became my parents. and from 1994 to about 2012 I lived under their roof and learned everything I would ever need to know about life. from my mom I learned hard work, how to keep a community together, dry humor, and a pride in being Indian. she wore a salvaar kameez (or ‘Indian ethnicwear’) and a botu (or ‘a decorative mark’) to work and everywhere else, and she didn’t change herself to make other people more comfortable. in my dad I saw myself, an inherently abnormal mind and attitude, a stubborn commitment to joy, and a distaste for modernity. my parents and I spent all our time together. they were parents who preferred the company of their children to other adults. I always thought they were brilliant and capable of solving any problem in life. and while I left their orbit more than a decade ago to join the ranks of Stanford, the Wikimedia Foundation, and other such esteemed names, I have come to realize that they embodied the values and qualities we all assumed I would learn outside the home.
parents are God
Hindu mythology comes to the big screen in the 2000s Bollywood classic Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham (’sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad’). the opening scene of this 3 hour movie is protagonist Hrithik Roshan telling the rapt audience ‘in life when you need to achieve anything just close your eyes and view your parents. you will always win.’
this theme that parents are God continues for the next three hours, and while the message also becomes clear that parents are flawed humans who make mistakes, the true takeaway of the film is that we will always return to them, we will always need them, and they will never stop loving us. and that is perhaps the definition of faith in God. what amazes me is India has not changed in the last thousand years. this same devotion to one’s parents is taught in the mythology of lord Ganesha as a child. Ganesha and his older brother Subrahmanya challenge each other to a race around the earth. whoever can circumnavigate the world three times first, wins. the race starts and the handsome, spry Subrahmanya is off in a flash. small, rotund Ganesha patiently waits. just as Subrahmanya is finishing his final lap Ganesha circles his parents, Shiva and Parvati, three times.
I was told this story as a child. and it was quite difficult to grow up in a society that felt differently. in fact, the Catholic school I attended was the best possible example of American children showing their parents respect. it was all downhill from there.
the white liberal spaces at Stanford and beyond displayed dynamics where children refer to their parents by first name, proudly disavow loyalty, and even seek a strict demarcation between their ‘ignorant’ parents and their own wise selves. despite being waist deep in this bizarre culture, my sister and I have somehow preserved a very Indian way of respecting our elders. or so I thought.
the other day I exploded at my father. I was triggered by something he said, but it was my own shortcoming that I yelled at my kind, gentle, and loving father. I regretted it immediately, but explosive anger is in my blood. in these moments of frustration towards them I feel so much guilt I could vomit.
the push towards sameness
as information becomes more accessible and high-quality opinions proliferate, how does a person develop a taste that is unique to them but still intrigues another? while talking to my co-founder about Ezra Klein she exclaimed, ‘do we all listen to the same stuff now?’ I was offended but quickly became worried. it is true that many of my friends listen to Ezra Klein, Huberman Lab, and consume other such intellectual media that college-educated coastal elites enjoy. inherently there is nothing wrong with like-minded people enjoying the same publications, but what makes me squirm is, if we’re all listening to the same voices, what are we missing? what serious and significant news, ideas, and cultural or political matters are we ignorant of?
if my parents hope for me was to become a self-interested and self-absorbed American in search of her own laurels then their efforts were all for naught. luckily I know they wanted more for me than that. I asked my dad once, ‘what would you like to see me achieve in my life?’ and he said simply, ‘I want you to rise to great heights in your field.’ he didn’t mention the Forbes list, money, or reputation. he was purely concerned with knowledge production. he wants me to have meaningfully expanded our human understanding of the world. my mom kept it even realer. she said, ‘I want you to work hard, be an honest person, and give back to the community.’
self-interested and self-absorbed
while the death toll in Gaza ticks up as we write and read, I am presented with the opportunity to really consider what serious and significant problems in the world I am applying myself to, given my background, skills, interests, and network. here at the beginning of my startup journey I remind myself that my American dream is to move away from individualism and towards a concern for our collective well-being. and for me this has meant a continued commitment to designing and building ethical and responsible technology. it has meant considering how purpose-built technology can benefit society. it also requires having a point-of-view on the harms of technology and being openly critical of technology that seeks to concentrate power.
home as institution
this last part is mostly for my parents who like to read my newsletter. while I continue to interact with brilliant technologists, researchers, ethicists, and policy makers, I find the world to be a very conflicted and confused place. in the technology industry the incentives to be greedy are ample and reasons for integrity are few. but my parents’ moral clarity has never been more immovable. they live frugally, for the community, and with unimpeachable character every single day. they lifted me up and have set me on an incredible path, but theirs is the only institution whose approval I seek.
Awwwwnnn this is a beautiful tribute to us, touching and loving. I felt happy, proud and grateful. Thanks magalu .... May your child write about you like this ... all the best on your new venture you have our blessings ....